This is a picture of my mind lately…
I have to be honest, here – I used to watch “professional” wrestling quite religiously. The horrible acting, the ridiculous speeches, the leg drops off the top turnbuckle. I couldn’t get enough of it, knowing full well the whole time that in no way was it realistic.
It was scripted, rehearsed and over-dramatized.
Enter my life, stage left.
I’ve been wrestling with myself and God about a few things lately, and it has left me exhausted.
Anyone relate?
A lot is going on in the old noggin’ lately. It’s mostly good, though. A pretty cool door is potentially opening, which is both exciting, risky and stressful.
I have an opportunity to record an EP in Nashville, with Jeremy Casella producing. I’ve been asked for a while about whether or not I would ever record any of my music, but I honestly didn’t have the confidence in myself to even dream it possible. It’s amazing what the words of someone outside of your family and friends can do.
I could, quite possibly, be recording the EP (probably six of my songs) in Nashville sometime in the near future. This has been an increasing desire of mine within the last couple of years, as well as something that folks have asked me for. I really feel like it’s both the right time to put forth some effort in this area of ministry and perhaps an opportunity of a lifetime.
But doubt creeps in.
Always.
I think about other better ways to spend the money.
I think about how no one will probably want to listen to it.
I think about how I shouldn’t even call myself a musician.
But I’m passionate about it.
But I know that God has gifted me.
I know that He’s stirred a desire in me.
Then I think about how no one will probably listen to it.
That I’ll have a box full of cd’s in my house to remind me of a failure.
It goes on and on. I’m sure you know the drill. That is, if you’re anything like myself.
Life.
Not scripted or rehearsed or fake.
This wrestling is real, and it’s taking a toll on me these days.
How about you? What are you wrestling with lately?
Interesting post and I believe you are not alone right now in the wrestling. God is speaking to the Body and stirring things up. New vision is always difficult to process through because you have the core thing that God has placed on your heart and then you have all the amendments you would like to add.
I think I have wrestled with the question “why?” more than anything else in the past two years. God usually just responds with “because.”
Congrats on the great opportunity, I am sure many people are looking forward to what songs have been churning in you for awhile.
Thanks for the comment, Ben! I agree that God is speaking to the Body. Absolutely he is. I think we also have a slight listening problem…or at least I do. I find myself trying to discern what I feel that I’m discerning sometimes. Does that make any sense? Not only do I wrestle with the leadings of God versus the leadings of my pride, but I wrestle with wondering whether or not the leading from God was in fact a leading at all. I never want to put words in his mouth for my sake, that’s for sure.
As I am discerning through some future changes in my own life. A friend told me that if I feel like God is calling me to something, to run after that full-heartedly until the door slams in my face. I think sometimes we get way to concerned planning out the next 50 steps of what the vision should be when God is just saying, simplify and follow me, you don’t need to know it all.
What I tend to do when I have a new vision for a conference or something, I write down the core vision that I know God is speaking to me. So anything else that comes up, I simply compare it to the core vision. That way, I don’t dissect it twenty times over but instead I filter it through that main idea that He sparked in my heart. It helps to sift through all the other concerns, thoughts and worries that I may have in the long run.
I guess I always have faith that if it isn’t from God, that He will eventually close the door for me IF, as you state, I am listening.
That’s why having good people around you that aren’t a bunch of yes men is important. They will tell you what they are sensing from God or if you just have really bad gas that day and you are interpreting it through that. Good stuff Josh.
You know, come to think of it….I do tend to break wind. A lot.
When I think of wrestling with God, I think of Jacob~ we forget that wrestling with God sometimes produces a limp…meaning that this process is painful and forever changing.
And worth it.
Risking with the truth is worth it; Always.
I agree entirely, Mel. I’ve seen your limp, and it’s pretty contagious.
Grateful you comment here…
“I find myself trying to discern what I feel that I’m discerning sometimes.”
Absolutely makes sense!!! This is something I’m “wrestling” with, as well. And I’m sure to limp away, every time. I know, personally, of life after life after life that your music has touched, of when your voice has calmed, when your words have centered anxious minds back on the One who wrestles with us yes, but who also heals and eases the anxieties that we create when we don’t just step out of the boat of self-created doubt and walk towards Him in faith. Burn the boat, Josh! If you discern God telling you to take this step into the unknown, go for it!! If you start to sink, reach for the the One who will catch you every time! You know that better than anybody, I think. You have an amazing gift, dude! I read your songs for encouragement ALL the time!
I can’t wait to buy your first C.D.!
I read an article by Eugene Peterson in an old, very old, Christianity Today magazine. It was titled, “Confessions of a Sabbath Breaker”. In it, Eugene gives a really good description of the Sabbath. He calls it a day to pray and play. I’ve been in a season of wrestling. It’s rough. I’m often exhausted by it. Taking a day to pray and play helps me. Also, another author, Abraham Joshua Heschel, in “The Sabbath” writes, “On the Sabbath, rest as if all work was done.” Ultimately, I suppose, it is, in Christ. And so, I put my wrestling aside, for one day a week and enjoy what God has done. It helps me with the exhausted part of wrestling. Press on and keep believing.
Great comment, Sue. Thanks for the encouragement….resting in the already-completed work. I like that.