This is a picture of my mind lately…

I have to be honest, here – I used to watch “professional” wrestling quite religiously.  The horrible acting, the ridiculous speeches, the leg drops off the top turnbuckle.  I couldn’t get enough of it, knowing full well the whole time that in no way was it realistic.

It was scripted, rehearsed and over-dramatized.

Enter my life, stage left.

I’ve been wrestling with myself and God about a few things lately, and it has left me exhausted.

Anyone relate?

A lot is going on in the old noggin’ lately.  It’s mostly good, though.  A pretty cool door is potentially opening, which is both exciting, risky and stressful.

I have an opportunity to record an EP in Nashville, with Jeremy Casella producing.  I’ve been asked for a while about whether or not I would ever record any of my music, but I honestly didn’t have the confidence in myself to even dream it possible.  It’s amazing what the words of someone outside of your family and friends can do.

I could, quite possibly, be recording the EP (probably six of my songs) in Nashville sometime in the near future.  This has been an increasing desire of mine within the last couple of years, as well as something that folks have asked me for.  I really feel like it’s both the right time to put forth some effort in this area of ministry and perhaps an opportunity of a lifetime.

But doubt creeps in.

Always.

I think about other better ways to spend the money.
I think about how no one will probably want to listen to it.
I think about how I shouldn’t even call myself a musician.
But I’m passionate about it.
But I know that God has gifted me.
I know that He’s stirred a desire in me.
Then I think about how no one will probably listen to it.
That I’ll have a box full of cd’s in my house to remind me of a failure.

It goes on and on.   I’m sure you know the drill.  That is, if you’re anything like myself.

Life.

Not scripted or rehearsed or fake.

This wrestling is real, and it’s taking a toll on me these days.

How about you?  What are you wrestling with lately?

Dear Mr. Prideful Self:

I am writing you to officially tender my resignation from the position of Judge of the Universe effective immediately.  It seems that I was given the title in error, and it was never mine to begin with.

Working for you, sir, has been a memorable experience. I could not ask for a more qualified person to supervise me in this role.  I have changed in many ways here and will never forget the direction in which this position has taken me.

But unfortunately, I have been offered with an opportunity that I simply cannot refuse.  I’m sure you can understand, sir.

I will be accepting a position as myself over at The Room of Grace.

A place where I can begin to become who I was created to be, which is vastly different than my current position.

And while I may be tempted to miss my friends here and all they offer, I feel that it is time for a new and real experience.

Regards,

Josh

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Perhaps you’re like me and are prone to this position as well.  I would encourage you to turn in your notice along with me today.  And tomorrow.  And the day after that.  And the day after that.  Well, you get the point.

Two weeks is an admirable amount of time to give in most settings.

Not when it comes to our heart’s surrender.

This June will mark four years of living in Arizona.

Four long years.

We made a move across the country from North Carolina in 2006 due to my wife’s employer relocating her.  Both of us were born and raised in North Carolina, where the unspoken rule is that you live and die there, living no further than 14 minutes from your parents in the meantime.  Needless to say, our move to the desert was not highly approved, especially by my family.  My wife’s is much more understanding in this area.  Or, perhaps they’re just less vocal than mine.  But I digress.

It felt, in many ways, like starting a life from scratch.  Everything changed: jobs, culture, weather, grocery stores, traffic, churches, and….

Relationships.

Most everything else has been fairly easy to adjust to.  Relationships, however, are a much different story.

It seems like most people already have the maximum number of active relationships that they can handle, and simply do not have any more of themselves to give to a new relationship.  Those with kids tend to typically interact with other folks who have kids, which makes sense to a certain degree.  So, being new to the area and having no kids has proven to create a difficult scenario for my wife and I.  Relationships that we maintain from North Carolina have expectedly become more difficult, as we either communicate via voicemail, text message or social media.  These methods of communication are all fine and well, but they do not replace real interaction with people.

And boy do we know it.

It’s easy to take on a mixture of emotions, including bitterness, loneliness, and my favorite choice: cynicism.

Community seems difficult to have and maintain.

But perhaps it seems this way because we’ve made community about what we can get and how much we have to give in order to obtain it.

It’s quite selfish, really.

There is a cost involved with community.

Time, patience, forgiveness, your own interests.

Grace.

I feel like I’ve been living this “victim” role for too long.  It’s a form a pride, after all.  It’s high time I start to engage with people where they’re at, not requiring us all to be the same.

People in real community should be stronger because of their differences, not weaker.  As believers, we should remember that we all have one thing in common for sure:  the Holy Spirit.

How about you?  What do you think?

What has been your experience in community, both successful and not successful?

image: sam

One of my favorite passages of the scriptures, hands down:

Come, let us return to the LORD.  He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.  After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence.  Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him.  As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.
- Hosea 6:1-3

Perhaps you feel torn to pieces lately.  I know the feeling.  Let us press on to know him and acknowledge him, shall we?

Our third day is sure to come.

I believe I remember him doing that some other time, too…

Happy Good Friday! 

Today marks the day that Jesus died on the cross.  A day where things began to change drastically.  On Sunday, we’ll celebrate the day where everything changed.  I’m humbled today when I think of the sacrifice that Jesus made.  And I’m hopeful because he showed that love wins.  Always. 

The series of posts on my journey through this season of Lent came to a close with Wednesday’s post. 

If you’d like to read all of the posts, they are linked below.  Thanks so much for engaging in the conversation.  I’ve tried to capture where my heart has been throughout this particular season of restoration and  I hope it has encouraged and challenged you.  Otherwise, I’m just rambling. 

May the God of the impossible be with you in the midst of what may feel to you like the impossibles of life.  He’s in the business of redemption, and you and I are a part of that, both in our own stories of restoration and in him using us to be a part of that restoration in others.  He’s so good…

Lent: 2010

• Here’s to Death: Lent (part one)
• Here’s to Death: Lent (part two)
• Take Time to Stop: Lent (part three)
• Gaining Wisdom: Lent (part four)
• A Break in the Clouds: Lent (part five)
• Be Thawed & Rejoice: Lent (part six)
• Sometimes I Don’t Feel Him: Lent (part seven)
• A Prayer: Lent (part eight)
• I’m A Restoration Project: Lent (part nine)